The good Saint will answer your letters! Have you been a good boy and girl this past year? You know it's time for you to send that letter to St. Patrick and the good folks at the St. Patrick's Day Drunk Dial will do their damndest to get it answered.

Please note we will only be able to answer your letters publicly so be prepared to have it posted, and only as long as the Drunk Dial is operating... Send your letters to letters@stpatsdrunkdial.com

"That over-hyped Turkish beer sponge, Saint Nicholas"

Dear Saint Patrick,

For as long as I can remember, and that goes back a ways, I have been carefully preparing a letter to Santa every year and sending it off with a big fat stamp, telling what a good girl I have been, doing all my chores, being nice to everybody, volunteering with children and helping little old ladies cross the street. Every year, I asked him for a pony.

Now, I think my upbringing was hardly unusual in that I was told that this Santa chappy would repay good deeds with the present my heart most desired, and that if I was good enough, I'd get it. And I was very, very good. However, still no pony. (I was, however, the recipient of socks and turtleneck sweaters... I'm not sure what that means, metaphysically, about my overall goodness as seen by old Saint Nick)

So now, dear Saint Patrick, I am turning to you. I have been ever so good this year, the beer and wine have flowed, my cup has been kept topped up, my skirts have been short and tight, and I've danced away many a weekend and work night alike. I've drunk pints at the pub and baileys at morning meetings. Dear Saint Patrick, this St. Paddy's Day, can I have a pony please?

XOXOXO,
Erin

Dear Erin,

I received your letter yesterday during my annual feast day. What you say does not surprise me. It caused me to become rather wrathful and I had to go smite several demons to blow off some steam.

Unlike us real saints, that over-hyped Turkish beer sponge (Saint Nicholas) never had to struggle with snakes, demons or indeed be burned alive. Contrary to Saint Nicholas propaganda, he was nothing more than the town drunk of Myra who became famous for inadvertently dropping gifts during his annual Christmas bender. Read this definitive account.

Now, as for your pony. My connections in the livestock industry are not what they used to be. Just last week one of my acolytes prayed for a winged horse and got a potbellied pig instead. I will pray for a pony, but please realize you might end up with an expired packet of sea monkeys. But if it's any consolation, unlike that fraud Saint Nick, you know that your prayers are being actively answered and not falling upon the deaf ears of a fat, deer frolicking, alcoholic.

Yours sincerely,
Saint Patrick.